I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
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I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Interior designer.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Meow
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Monday
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.