I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Monday Lisa
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Velcrow
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.