I changed my name in my daughters phone to God….
I texted her and said
“I saw that”
You should of seen her face

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When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.


Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store


I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.


ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.

BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?


[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”


If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.


piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists


Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage


Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.