Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

absolute chaos

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.