Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

I have written yet another poem about laundry

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

guys i’ve cracked the code

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook