I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
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What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
dril cadence
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.