I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
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ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
The news
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?