Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

😂😂😂

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.