Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.