Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.