I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
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Real House Wines.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My Sentiments Exactly
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
my favorite genre of twitter
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party