@OkieGirl405

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

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@bornmiserable

[me, leaving a funeral]
That was fantastic. Let’s do this again sometime.

@ChipKellysBalls

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

@rebrafsim

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

@AbrasiveGhost

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

@GoodZiIIa

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

@TheBoydP

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

@JediGigi

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

@AimeeHelene1

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

@Celestinelea90

Husband called & asked what I was cooking for dinner then we laughed and laughed and then he said seriously what do you need at liquor store

@HatesNiceThings

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.