[me, leaving a funeral]
That was fantastic. Let’s do this again sometime.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
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If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Husband called & asked what I was cooking for dinner then we laughed and laughed and then he said seriously what do you need at liquor store
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.