Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

My husband has put a couple of watches on eBay. Which has made me really happy as I can now ask how many people are watching his watches several times a day.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?