I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
You Might Also Like
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”