I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
You Might Also Like
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter