I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
You Might Also Like
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?