I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
DOOO EEEET
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
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o
o
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man