I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.