I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.