I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!