I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.
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My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex