I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
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emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
i want it utterly assaulted.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
