I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Those are good neighbors.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
#NoRestForTheWicked
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
just gave your address to some spiders
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.