Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
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I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?