Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Lmfaoooooo

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison