Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

Catering service

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

Well. That’s not a good sign.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it