I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
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THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
You deplete me
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Huge if true.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
no regrets
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.