Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

Sounds like a real hoot.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

wow he looks just like him

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room