Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

i’m laughing very hard in real life

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl