Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.