i choose….tongue
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Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Buying a well is money well spent.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.