i choose….tongue
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GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
The prophecy is fulfilled
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”