i choose….tongue
You Might Also Like
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I mean…but I did
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?