i choose….tongue
You Might Also Like
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.