I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
You Might Also Like
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes