Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

😂 amazing answer

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

Got a light

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.