I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
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Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!