I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
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[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
rapatouille
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*