I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
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best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
This was the best day of my life
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.