I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
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Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi