Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.