I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
sleeping beauty
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
just left a huge legacy in there
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.