“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
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Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies