“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
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Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
☺️
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.