“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”