I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
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There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I saidâ
me: I’m thinking
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
me: slip out of that little red thing youâre wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My kid was mad at me and said, why donât you CROCHET!?? and it made me laughâŚand made her madder.
Why â WHY â in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Iâve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when iâm dehydrated itâs simple economics
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Passwords are more important than ever.
If you like piĂąa coladas and getting caught in the rain, thatâs fine but your piĂąa colada is going to get watered down.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks đ
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Woke up against my better judgment again
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Letâs go to the hospital
How do I even know this guy is my âbossâ. Iâve just been taking his word for it
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Wellâ
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. âDay 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like Iâm an idiotâ
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isnât Miss âGet Off That Computerâ Years 1994 to 2006