I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
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[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
the simulation is moving too fast
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach