Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.