I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
You Might Also Like
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before