I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
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have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …