Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

Sorted

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

Wait a minute…

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me: