Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

*Seductively hides in the woods

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.