I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
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How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
One of the best
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”