I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
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i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
How wrong was this guy?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt