Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥