Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.