I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
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Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Animal poetry
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.