I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
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me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.