I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.