I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”