I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
This is a sub tweet
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band