I cleaned out my closet using the “If you haven’t worn it in a year, get rid of it” rule.

So now the only things in my closet are sweatpants and skeletons.

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Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?


Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.


If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.


Me: I love you with my hole heart.

Wife: Wrong hole.


*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th


Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare.


If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.


My neighbors wifi isn’t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?


Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.