@OMGSoOverIt

I cleaned out my closet using the “If you haven’t worn it in a year, get rid of it” rule.

So now the only things in my closet are sweatpants and skeletons.

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@heyitsJudeD

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

@sarcasticmommy4

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

@3sunzzz

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

@jergarl

Me: I love you with my hole heart.

Wife: Wrong hole.

@sad_tree

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

@7edhead

Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare.

@MooseAllain

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

@Bluestmoon_

My neighbors wifi isn’t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?

@trevorthehuman

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.