At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
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Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
just gave your address to some spiders
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
This makes total sense…
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze