Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity