Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

It’s password awareness Friday.

Today I offer free consulting.

Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

These are too funny not to post 😂

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Now this is how you LinkedIn

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope