Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

ㅤ

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up