Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old