Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

placebo pills? more like sike meds

The Book. The Movie.

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.