I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
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daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
bat life
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Mouse
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*