I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
put ‘er there pardner!
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up